Why do you think about these things??

I had a funny moment of clarity last night. Perhaps it was hearing the news of a friend having lost her father. Or perhaps it was that cup of coffee I drank at 8pm. Whichever, I was awake and contemplating.

With a quiet little 'ha!' I turned to Adam and said, 'I just realized something! Tell me, what did you think about on your way home tonight?' (we were down in Loudoun County today & drove home separately after dinner.) His response was predictable...he thought about the laundry-list of items he has on his mental 'to do' list - car, garden, chores, work, honey do's, etc etc. I listened to his naming of all these things while my smile got bigger and bigger. Perhaps it's the difference between men & women or better yet, perhaps it's just the difference in Adam and me... What was I thinking? I guess I was in a more selfish place. My thoughts tend to slide in this direction - 'How can I get to that place of inner-peace? What's my biggest fear? What would my legacy be if I disappeared tomorrow?'

Yep! Those were alot of 'I' statements. Alot of thinking about myself. Ugh. Just writing it out feels selfish. Am I really THAT self-absorbed that these thoughts trump the ever-growing list of 'to-dos' that I draft every morning. Yep - it's selfish. When I'm alone in my thoughts...driving in the dark while all four kids snore behind me...yep! I go selfish. It's QUIET people. No one is asking anything of me. No drinks to fill. No meal to prepare. Nothing to vacuum, or mop, or wipe, or disinfect. It's a quiet ride....and it's ALL mine. So - I go selfish.

So - how CAN I move towards inner peace? Hmmm, that's a tough one. I'm not sure how to get there - I just hope when it's important, when it's really, really important, I hope I'm there. It's a work in progress.

Next - what's my biggest fear? Whew! This one made me pause for a good few minutes. I don't fear death - though the timing of it can make my breath escape my body. I don't fear people. I don't fear the weather. I try very hard not to think, or act, or 'be' in a state of fear. I follow my instincts about fear. If I sense fear from the very cells of my body -- I'm fearful. If you listen to your intuition, you can feel this. But if the fear is coming from my brain...it's usually media-driven, or people-driven...and this fear doesn't tend to serve me well.

So - what scares me? My kids disappearing. This scares me. Having them out in the world, scared, with someone scary...this keeps me up at night. Those first moments after hearing that something has happened to my husband - those moments scare me. Those seconds that my whole world is imploding, those minutes that I lay on the ground in despair...that vision scares me. Beyond these few things (as heavy & sick as they sound,) beyond these, any fear that I have is easily re-framed by a simple deep breath. The belief in the next moment, the potential of greatness in the very next minute, can totally return me to a place of trust vs. a place of fear. I'm not sure how this will all work for me when I have four teenagers out past curfew but for now, it works.

Lastly, my legacy. Ha. The thought is pretty laughable. Who cares, really? I want to LIVE a life that is welcoming and loving to those around me. I want people to know how I feel while I'm breathing. I want to be the one to tell them. I want to my kids to call me crazy and to roll their eyes at me when they're older...but I also want them to say, 'My mom has it right. She knows how to live' - and I want this statement to have nothing to do with material things. I want to be gray, and calm, and rocking in a chair on my porch. I want to forget how to scream...and master the art of talking....

Interesting. I think I just defined my own 'inner-peace' - let's put that on today's 'to-do' list.

Um...What? Freudian Slip?

Ha ha. I thought to take a second and write out some of these thoughts of mine. I had to sign-in to the blogger website. Our blog name is 'The Levy 6', I mis-typed....The Levy 8. Nope. This isn't some crafty way of announcing anything. Just a slip of the fingers...funny nonetheless...in a sick sort of way.

It's Monday - post Japan earthquake. In the midst of several nuclear meltdowns, rising death tolls, ravaged country, our lives go on. We complain about the weather, the traffic, our kids, gas prices. Etc. Etc. I would like to complain...about complaining. Don't worry - I do my fair share. I'm not perfect. Wouldn't even like to be perfect. It doesn't allow for change. Perfection is the end state - there's no going up, or over, or down, or across. There's no going anywhere from perfection. Imperfection provides the better life. We can live with imperfection. We can BE imperfect. Phew. The pressure of perfection is heavier than the pressure of raising kids. Life ain't perfect. Thankfully.

So - these world disasters. The ones that have an effect on every single one of us...and if you think the threat of nuclear meltdowns and the shifting of the earth on its axis doesn't effect you, I'm not sure I want to know you...but these world disasters, these are what make us better. Or, perhaps, give us the potential of a better life. I always look In, and then Out. It may seem small, but I have a renewed commitment to 'Act Local, Think Global', and an ever-steadfast sense of reassuring peace, harmony, & joy within myself, seeping out to my children, and reaching out to my community.

The first plantings went into our garden the weekend. Ella proudly displayed her muddy hands and said, 'Daddy says I have a green thumb.' Calum later quoted his sister again by saying, 'the more mud, the better a time.' These children have such a burden to carry - the choices of today, my choices...your choices... With these choices comes such a responsibility. I'll visit our local farm this week, along with our Farmers Market. I'll take the kids. I'll continue to talk to them about our food, our needs, the needs of our neighbors. We'll visit the ranch when the weather remains warm. We'll create a dinner, or a breakfast, or a sweet treat with the bounty from the market. And we'll share it with our friends.

I'll continue to shop at the thrift store, and try to purchase everything that we need, used (outside of food, house supplies, paper goods, and underwear.) This is said, of course, after a recent buying binge. 'Stock-up sales' at Old Navy are hard to resist. I repented today at the consignment store....the kids traded in their puzzles a few weeks ago. Finally!! I scored a great dinosaur one for them. Worth the wait.

From this day forward I commit to the earth a better life. Will you join me?

Back for more?

Ok - I've said it before, I'll have to say it again. I love to blog but who has time. Not me...at least not regularly. But - today is a good day so we'll embrace it...and write.

What's front & center on my mind this morning? Well, I just learned from the news of the earthquake in Japan. Whoa. My brain hasn't had enough coffee to think outside of myself, the only thing I can think of is this....damn. Calum's friend starting puking last night. Calum worked with this little guy in school yesterday. I wonder when the tsunami of vomit will start in the Levy house. Sorry people. Give me another hour and I'll start to worry and reflect for those in Japan...and worry for those in Hawaii and the West Coast. But for now, at 6:02am...I'm pretty much just waiting for the warning siren of the pukes. Maybe it'll miss us.

As I flip through the registry of thoughts that I call my brain...I look next at the piles of clothes on my floor. For those who have been to our house on any day, at any time, perhaps you've been privy to these piles of laundry. There's usually one, or two, or five. But today...these piles are of NEW clothes. We are so very lucky to have generous friends. They've been outfitting my boys and youngest girl since the phone call announcing their upcoming births... These friends call to say, 'we have a bag or two of clothes. how can we get them to you?' and after some coordination, Adam & I are given a wonderful gift....a fun hour or so of sorting through FOUR or FIVE bags of clothes and shoes, jackets, socks, etc etc. It's amazing. We're lucky to have such friends. We're very very lucky.

I need to get these clothes put away before the kids wake up - otherwise it'll turn into a trial-run for clothes shopping. Complete with the girls going into the closet to change and the boys rolling around on the floor out of boredom.