Pieces of Me

  - Motherhood. Write about the ups and the downs of motherhood. Write about the joys and the sorrows. Let it all flow out. The good. The bad. But when you think you are done -- do this one thing: Circle the best parts. Circle the wonderful moments. Highlight the words that make you happy. -

  I'm involved in a writing course. A course of discovery. A course of empathy. A course of community. And ritual. And knowing. And supporting. The above is one of the writing prompts given this week. I can type faster than I can write, and I figured I could type it up on the blog. If you're reading it...then I was brave, and hit Publish. Grammar will need forgiveness. I'm just going to write...

Motherhood. This isn't something I can write about with eloquence and grammar. It's going to have to be the random string of thoughts that come through. It just has to be...because this is what motherhood is, for me. It's random. It's life. It's a river that flows...sometimes clear and with ease, sometimes muddied and raging. It's as consistent as the weather. A good string of days, and then a front comes through. Barometric pressure can be easily seen on the faces of my children. I can't control these energies any more than humans can control the weather. Depending on your personal belief of gloabl warming and the impact of humanity on environmental issues, one could easily debate that humans DO impact the weather...but nature is a force beyond the control of humanity. This is what motherhood is to me...I have some force to better impact my days, but it's not all me. There are six energies that live under this roof, and I'd be damn egotistical if I thought I could control them.

Motherhood. Tiring. Blissful. Smelly - poo and soap. Engaging. Painful. Opening. Natural. Not a skill, but a life. I can't 'perfect' mothering. I can't learn about it through courses and books and practice. I have come to believe the very best I can do is learn about myself. Understand who I am, what I believe in, what I need help with, and how I can help. In doing this work, I can be the best ME for my family. I can be the best parent to my children. I can be open to who they are. I can be open and loving, and meet them, understand them, celebrate them...for who they are. Because I am open & free & accepting, of who I am.

Motherhood is a balance between the selfish & unselfish. On the surface, motherhood is selfless...but as our children grow, practically from day one, if we try to control everything in regards to their life, in that control lies selfish. I am not reliving my childhood through these children. This is THEIR childhood. I am not reliving my mistakes through my children. They will have their OWN mistakes. Motherhood is freedom. Motherhood is freedom to explore myself, gain courage in myself, and watch my abilities...and my dreams SOAR! on the backs of my children. Opening my wings, so that I can fly as well...because damn sure these amazing beings are going to TAKE OFF in their dreams. If I don't have wings, they'll leave me behind. Or worse - they won't fly at all, out of some twisted obligation to me.

Answering this question a few years ago, I would have written differently. MY struggles of motherhood read something like this...Sleep - or lack of. Control - or lack of. Too many demands. Not enough arms. My needs. Meeting their needs. Juice spills. Diaper blow-outs. Nursing. Food-allergies. Eczema. Too much laundry. Not enough hours. Illness. Schedules.. Food - again? Lists. Alarms. etc etc etc.

It's not this way, anymore. Yes. There are moments in the day that I can't even breath because the emotional, physical, and voiced-needs of all four children come crashing into my brain (& heart) all at once. Everyone is talking. Everyone is NEEDING. Everyone is the center of his/her own universe. And they are all needing something, from me. This last about 7 minutes. But then it's done. We move on. Tummies get filled to balance blood-sugar levels. Everyone gets heard. Everyone lives. I'm still breathing. We move on. I'm rewarded by this swift-moving storm of parental struggle. And we head out to play or to paint. Or to wrestle. 

These days, it's a poignant joy to realize that MY most difficult struggle with motherhood isn't the mundane, but more the following...these four people, having grown inside my body, nestled closer to my inner soul than anything I know, are in fact pieces of my heart, living outside of my body. Walking, breathing, living parts of me that I must kiss goodbye. Learn to let fly, away. 

I am humbled daily by the thought of it. Life goes on, through their breath. And there will be a day when I am no longer a part of their daily experience. I just hope it comes way down the road, for this is my pain. The pain of knowing I will leave them too soon. In feeling this, I am always given the gift of knowing I've finally made it to this place. I'm home. These children, my motherhood experiences, have brought me home. Home isn't a finishing point, it's just the beginning. Home is the launchpad...and my wings, all four of them, are growing.

 

#fridayfaves 2.15.13

friday is about being grateful

  being present in the little things

remembering to breathe

seeing joy

it's overcast this afternoon after a morning of sun and mild'ish temps.
mother nature is easing out of winter, showing some interest in Spring...
this afternoon, though, calls for stove-top popped corn, 
leftover valentine cookies, 
a blanket 'bombed' family room,
hot coffee and hot chocolate. 
a snuggly & warm end to a
snuggly & warm week.

in motion
this child has determination.
this child has strength.
this child has limited fear when it comes to her physical abilities.
this child can flip, and flip back, and flip again.
this child does this in the grocery aisles 
(which requires this mother to plan shopping trips during off-peak hours.)
this child. 
 this one.    

      
thawing
these children can smell a thaw.
and on this day, it was warm.
the ground was wet, but warm.
shoes were off. socks were lost. 
they sat on their respective towels and dreamed of summer.
they planned the pool lay-out.
they discussed fire-flies, bats, frogs and eating dinner outside.
we had Spring for six hours, on this day,
and these kids LIVED every minute of it. 

soundtrack
true statement - i don't actually 'remember' anything about this song.
why is it making my list?
here's why -
i'm all about family...

there are some 'brothers' in this family...

and if i drank, i'd drink moonshine.

that's all i can really say, since i don't really remember this song.

but...for whatever reason,

on this day,

at 1:34 in the afternoon,

i stopped,

walked to the ipad, 

and took a screen shot.

it must have been good.

my own secret
i can't quite articulate why i find this picture so telling.
i'll try. here goes -
i love that they took twister outside to play.
i love that my oldest is in the middle - like she is the center of the universe, with an audience.
i love that my youngest boy is in his pj's still, and bare-footed.
i love that my youngest girl has a handled cup - holding it as if it's coffee.
and you may not be able to tell,
but i'm pretty sure the coffee-drinker is running the show.
it's just how it is around here.
the secrets that a mother knows, 
by just a random picture.
i may just be the luckiest person ever, to know these people.
luckiest. ever. 

touching the sky
here's this child. again.
upside down.
about to launch.
barefooted.
brave.
upside down.
trusting.
about to launch.
for the record,
she did a running front-flip,
landed on her feet,
with a smile on her face,
to the cheers of her people.
and the relief of her mother.
this child has launched.

#fridayfaves 2.8.13

Friday is about being grateful

seeing the little things

remembering to breathe

finding joy

it's been a busy week but without that overwhelmed feeling of too much, too little, quick-quick-quick! this is the part of our life that i love. we control the schedule! maybe this encourages a hermit's life but for us, it encourages harmony, and healthy control, and health - both physical and mental! by taking it slower, choosing quality over quantity, we stay in rhythm. 

i am so grateful to BE among the rhythm of my family. 

imbolc

this was our first year celebrating the festival of imbolc, 

the halfway point between winter solstice & spring equinox.

i love ritual, and ceremony, and the kids love fire so...it was a natural fit.

  i love that my children are learning new traditions,

all the while fueling my spirit.

signs of spring 

this tiny clay flower adorned my kitchen table this week.

out of scraps, and chaos, and turbulent moments, 

beauty & creation, color & life - PREVAILS!

just like the blooms in spring. 

notice the lady bug on the petal. 

i may never part with this.

signs of another kind

my calum.

my first son. 

my heart, in form.

he is taller every day.

strong. emotional. a force.

and he does the dishes...

his father - incarnate.   

time

we can't hold our rhythm without time.

time. 

time to be. 

time to serve.

i am eternally grateful for time - 

time to love, to nurture, to nourish, to learn, 

to be WITH my life, and my family!

and a little extra time to make sweet little strawberry hearts for the lunchbox. 

love

 the love of sisters.

the love of glue, and scissors, and construction paper.

the love of creating. 

the love of giving.

the love of sharing...of oneself,

to those we love.

5 facts

a fun exercise in learning the unsaid -

a few facts about me, as answered recently...

1.  sometimes, most times, the sunrise makes me speechless.

2. i happen to believe in fairies, and most things curious in nature.

3. the full moon makes me giddy.

4. i love a good quote. words can change your life.

5. three must-haves...a firepit, a favorite coffee mug, and my family.

 

#FridayFaves

Friday is about being grateful

seeing the little things

remembering to breathe

finding joy

we started the week with snow, then had a taste of Spring, 
and ended our week with...snow.
no matter - i pay little attention to the weather. 
i'd rather just enjoy what mother nature has to offer me. 
it's the little things...

dear loves
these moments are fleeting.
THESE moments are precious. 
these moments of you filling my chairs with your strong, vibrant bodies;
these moments of your voices filling the air.    
these moments are my heart's song. 
the muse to my growth.
the answer to my being.
thank you.  

  
 dear mother earth
it begins with you, 
and it ends with you.
i find myself secure in your sacred cycle.
my religion = your bounty.
i am forever grateful for your love.  

dear sprite (and not the drink...)
you, my love, are the real deal.
honest. honorable. emotional. so brave. so open.
you set me on a path,
and i will never be able to explain its magnitude.
i honor you - for choosing me. 
i am so proud of you.
and this image of you explodes my heart, 
into a million little pieces of love.    
every cell in my body is smiling. 

dear rain, and resulting mud
i've always welcomed the rain.
i've never said no to the mud.
rephrase - i've never 'committed' to the no - in reference to the mud.
WHY would i deny the mud?

these are memories in the making. 

 and i like making them. 

dear Winter
you're here. 
you're pretty.
you call for hot cocoa and pajama days.
   you've been good to us.
thank you for the season of hibernation,

of introspection,

of rest & recuperation. 

  and oh how i love my house sweaters - so comfy, so ugly, so warm.

 

Confidence or Arrogance?

  I just threw out put in the donation bag most of my parenting books. I kept a handful, but gave away the majority. There's part of me that feels liberated, and part of me that feels...hmmm...over-confident? I don't know. I've begun to realize that all these books -- and the well-intentioned advice from the respective authors -- don't really add-up to much I can use for my family. Don't get me wrong - I have pulled bits & pieces from many of these books. I've dabbled in these parenting philosophies for months, years even, until I realized something...I'm using techniques 'on' them in hopes to manipulate their behavior. If kids do 'x' then I will do 'y' in hopes to encourage the 'z' outcome that somebody, in his/her silent, written voice, told me I'm supposed to want, through his/her book. Well...I don't want the expert's Z, I want MY Z. And my Z usually is cohesive/reflective with the Z of my kids...and each of them have his/her own Z depending on how his/her m.o.o.d. And in the end, I typically like my Z better than any in those books.

So...what advice do I follow? Who do I go to for direction, ideas, support, problem-solving, etc? Well, as my oldest daughter says (all the time,) 'Go call your people, Mommy.' I call my people. I take long walks with my people. I text my busy people. And email my far-away people. My 'village,' per-say, consists of many people, reachable through many modes. I go to these people, religiously, because these are the ones who know me. Know my family. Know my children. They know my history. They know how my brain works. These are the people that can help me through any major parenting crisis. These are my people. And none of them have written a parenting book. 

I'm done with worrying about the matrix of perfect PC parenting - parenting-book parenting. Because here's the deal...what happens when you follow the book to a T, and you still don't get outcome Z? Where does that leave the tired, over-stressed, overly self-critical mother? What happens when she follows all the advice of the experts, but in doing so fails to hear the voice of her children? I am the resident expert for this family, for MY family. My husband and I are the Chiefs of Staff here. Our promise and knowledge end as soon as we walk into your home...but here, we've got this. And when we don't 'have it' (which happens often) - we call our people.

As I'm trying to teach my children to explore, and to question, and to try, and to falter, all in the name of learning, I am realizing that these parenting books aren't helping me 'learn' much of anything. As I watch my daughter work really hard to overcome her own feelings of control - just writing or singing or dancing for the sake of it, not for the perfection of it - I slowly see the greater lesson. And it's not a lesson for her, it's my own. The learning comes from the loving. And these kids are the teachers. And there ain't nothing perfect about parenting. Therein lies the joy. Letting go.

It felt great to dust off my bookshelf. Make room for the books I did keep. Put a framed picture in the newly liberated space. And say to myself - 'I'm not saying I have the answers, I'm just confident that these books don't.' 

In case you were curious about the books that DID make the cut...a few books on Intuitive Parenting,  a handful of books on creating 'community, ' and miscellany (books on sacred circles, death & dying, rituals, joyful living,  gratitude etc.) Again, the miscellany will be no surprise for my people. That's what makes them my people :) However...I do have one Dr. book on those shelves. This parent will never be without Dr. Seuss.

#FridayFaves

Friday is about being grateful

seeing the little things

remembering to breathe

finding joy

it's been far too many weeks since my last post. we've passed through Thanksgiving, winter solstice, Christmas, New Years, a birthday. this year we created a 'doing wall' - a wall of wishes wills...all the things we WILL do this year, given we wake each day with breath in our bodies.

 i will write.

i will see the little things.

i will remember to breath. 

i will continue to find the joy.

dear us

never in my life would i have imagined our life as it is today.

never again will i imagine anything different. 

we were so young when we said YES to a life together.

i hope to be very old when we say our goodbyes.

we created this life.

forever.    

dear holidays

our best yet.

we had three trees this year, including a white & pink one. 

i will always be in love with the glow of tree lights.

i wonder if they'd pull at my heart if we had them up all the time.

maybe one year we'll see. 

dear oliver

my youngest, if only by a minute.

half of the Odd Couple, an old man by nature...

always putting away your dirty clothes and wanting to wear a jacket.

your features haven't changed since you were growing in my belly.

you're my most predictable...thank you for this.

dear weekends, especially with the girls

we had a weekend recently with just the girls at home. 

we took lots of bubble baths.

we played dolls. 

we baked.

we made sweet little, delicate crafts, 

like these precious snowflakes.

dear sun

i love you.

i can't wait until you are closer to my part of the earth.

until then, i will wake early to see you rise,

and stop the chaos in the house when you're about to say goodnight,

as you paint the sky in such magical colors.

breathtaking.

dear child, with iPad

i love going through my pictures after a day with you.

there is usually some surprise.

winter nights find me drinking tea at the end of a loud day.

i have to be careful not to spit it out across the room...

when i come across pictures like this.

dear life
 please continue.
i'm only just getting the hang of things. 
sorta.