Why do you think about these things??

I had a funny moment of clarity last night. Perhaps it was hearing the news of a friend having lost her father. Or perhaps it was that cup of coffee I drank at 8pm. Whichever, I was awake and contemplating.

With a quiet little 'ha!' I turned to Adam and said, 'I just realized something! Tell me, what did you think about on your way home tonight?' (we were down in Loudoun County today & drove home separately after dinner.) His response was predictable...he thought about the laundry-list of items he has on his mental 'to do' list - car, garden, chores, work, honey do's, etc etc. I listened to his naming of all these things while my smile got bigger and bigger. Perhaps it's the difference between men & women or better yet, perhaps it's just the difference in Adam and me... What was I thinking? I guess I was in a more selfish place. My thoughts tend to slide in this direction - 'How can I get to that place of inner-peace? What's my biggest fear? What would my legacy be if I disappeared tomorrow?'

Yep! Those were alot of 'I' statements. Alot of thinking about myself. Ugh. Just writing it out feels selfish. Am I really THAT self-absorbed that these thoughts trump the ever-growing list of 'to-dos' that I draft every morning. Yep - it's selfish. When I'm alone in my thoughts...driving in the dark while all four kids snore behind me...yep! I go selfish. It's QUIET people. No one is asking anything of me. No drinks to fill. No meal to prepare. Nothing to vacuum, or mop, or wipe, or disinfect. It's a quiet ride....and it's ALL mine. So - I go selfish.

So - how CAN I move towards inner peace? Hmmm, that's a tough one. I'm not sure how to get there - I just hope when it's important, when it's really, really important, I hope I'm there. It's a work in progress.

Next - what's my biggest fear? Whew! This one made me pause for a good few minutes. I don't fear death - though the timing of it can make my breath escape my body. I don't fear people. I don't fear the weather. I try very hard not to think, or act, or 'be' in a state of fear. I follow my instincts about fear. If I sense fear from the very cells of my body -- I'm fearful. If you listen to your intuition, you can feel this. But if the fear is coming from my brain...it's usually media-driven, or people-driven...and this fear doesn't tend to serve me well.

So - what scares me? My kids disappearing. This scares me. Having them out in the world, scared, with someone scary...this keeps me up at night. Those first moments after hearing that something has happened to my husband - those moments scare me. Those seconds that my whole world is imploding, those minutes that I lay on the ground in despair...that vision scares me. Beyond these few things (as heavy & sick as they sound,) beyond these, any fear that I have is easily re-framed by a simple deep breath. The belief in the next moment, the potential of greatness in the very next minute, can totally return me to a place of trust vs. a place of fear. I'm not sure how this will all work for me when I have four teenagers out past curfew but for now, it works.

Lastly, my legacy. Ha. The thought is pretty laughable. Who cares, really? I want to LIVE a life that is welcoming and loving to those around me. I want people to know how I feel while I'm breathing. I want to be the one to tell them. I want to my kids to call me crazy and to roll their eyes at me when they're older...but I also want them to say, 'My mom has it right. She knows how to live' - and I want this statement to have nothing to do with material things. I want to be gray, and calm, and rocking in a chair on my porch. I want to forget how to scream...and master the art of talking....

Interesting. I think I just defined my own 'inner-peace' - let's put that on today's 'to-do' list.