Why do you think about these things??

I had a funny moment of clarity last night. Perhaps it was hearing the news of a friend having lost her father. Or perhaps it was that cup of coffee I drank at 8pm. Whichever, I was awake and contemplating.

With a quiet little 'ha!' I turned to Adam and said, 'I just realized something! Tell me, what did you think about on your way home tonight?' (we were down in Loudoun County today & drove home separately after dinner.) His response was predictable...he thought about the laundry-list of items he has on his mental 'to do' list - car, garden, chores, work, honey do's, etc etc. I listened to his naming of all these things while my smile got bigger and bigger. Perhaps it's the difference between men & women or better yet, perhaps it's just the difference in Adam and me... What was I thinking? I guess I was in a more selfish place. My thoughts tend to slide in this direction - 'How can I get to that place of inner-peace? What's my biggest fear? What would my legacy be if I disappeared tomorrow?'

Yep! Those were alot of 'I' statements. Alot of thinking about myself. Ugh. Just writing it out feels selfish. Am I really THAT self-absorbed that these thoughts trump the ever-growing list of 'to-dos' that I draft every morning. Yep - it's selfish. When I'm alone in my thoughts...driving in the dark while all four kids snore behind me...yep! I go selfish. It's QUIET people. No one is asking anything of me. No drinks to fill. No meal to prepare. Nothing to vacuum, or mop, or wipe, or disinfect. It's a quiet ride....and it's ALL mine. So - I go selfish.

So - how CAN I move towards inner peace? Hmmm, that's a tough one. I'm not sure how to get there - I just hope when it's important, when it's really, really important, I hope I'm there. It's a work in progress.

Next - what's my biggest fear? Whew! This one made me pause for a good few minutes. I don't fear death - though the timing of it can make my breath escape my body. I don't fear people. I don't fear the weather. I try very hard not to think, or act, or 'be' in a state of fear. I follow my instincts about fear. If I sense fear from the very cells of my body -- I'm fearful. If you listen to your intuition, you can feel this. But if the fear is coming from my brain...it's usually media-driven, or people-driven...and this fear doesn't tend to serve me well.

So - what scares me? My kids disappearing. This scares me. Having them out in the world, scared, with someone scary...this keeps me up at night. Those first moments after hearing that something has happened to my husband - those moments scare me. Those seconds that my whole world is imploding, those minutes that I lay on the ground in despair...that vision scares me. Beyond these few things (as heavy & sick as they sound,) beyond these, any fear that I have is easily re-framed by a simple deep breath. The belief in the next moment, the potential of greatness in the very next minute, can totally return me to a place of trust vs. a place of fear. I'm not sure how this will all work for me when I have four teenagers out past curfew but for now, it works.

Lastly, my legacy. Ha. The thought is pretty laughable. Who cares, really? I want to LIVE a life that is welcoming and loving to those around me. I want people to know how I feel while I'm breathing. I want to be the one to tell them. I want to my kids to call me crazy and to roll their eyes at me when they're older...but I also want them to say, 'My mom has it right. She knows how to live' - and I want this statement to have nothing to do with material things. I want to be gray, and calm, and rocking in a chair on my porch. I want to forget how to scream...and master the art of talking....

Interesting. I think I just defined my own 'inner-peace' - let's put that on today's 'to-do' list.

Um...What? Freudian Slip?

Ha ha. I thought to take a second and write out some of these thoughts of mine. I had to sign-in to the blogger website. Our blog name is 'The Levy 6', I mis-typed....The Levy 8. Nope. This isn't some crafty way of announcing anything. Just a slip of the fingers...funny nonetheless...in a sick sort of way.

It's Monday - post Japan earthquake. In the midst of several nuclear meltdowns, rising death tolls, ravaged country, our lives go on. We complain about the weather, the traffic, our kids, gas prices. Etc. Etc. I would like to complain...about complaining. Don't worry - I do my fair share. I'm not perfect. Wouldn't even like to be perfect. It doesn't allow for change. Perfection is the end state - there's no going up, or over, or down, or across. There's no going anywhere from perfection. Imperfection provides the better life. We can live with imperfection. We can BE imperfect. Phew. The pressure of perfection is heavier than the pressure of raising kids. Life ain't perfect. Thankfully.

So - these world disasters. The ones that have an effect on every single one of us...and if you think the threat of nuclear meltdowns and the shifting of the earth on its axis doesn't effect you, I'm not sure I want to know you...but these world disasters, these are what make us better. Or, perhaps, give us the potential of a better life. I always look In, and then Out. It may seem small, but I have a renewed commitment to 'Act Local, Think Global', and an ever-steadfast sense of reassuring peace, harmony, & joy within myself, seeping out to my children, and reaching out to my community.

The first plantings went into our garden the weekend. Ella proudly displayed her muddy hands and said, 'Daddy says I have a green thumb.' Calum later quoted his sister again by saying, 'the more mud, the better a time.' These children have such a burden to carry - the choices of today, my choices...your choices... With these choices comes such a responsibility. I'll visit our local farm this week, along with our Farmers Market. I'll take the kids. I'll continue to talk to them about our food, our needs, the needs of our neighbors. We'll visit the ranch when the weather remains warm. We'll create a dinner, or a breakfast, or a sweet treat with the bounty from the market. And we'll share it with our friends.

I'll continue to shop at the thrift store, and try to purchase everything that we need, used (outside of food, house supplies, paper goods, and underwear.) This is said, of course, after a recent buying binge. 'Stock-up sales' at Old Navy are hard to resist. I repented today at the consignment store....the kids traded in their puzzles a few weeks ago. Finally!! I scored a great dinosaur one for them. Worth the wait.

From this day forward I commit to the earth a better life. Will you join me?

Back for more?

Ok - I've said it before, I'll have to say it again. I love to blog but who has time. Not me...at least not regularly. But - today is a good day so we'll embrace it...and write.

What's front & center on my mind this morning? Well, I just learned from the news of the earthquake in Japan. Whoa. My brain hasn't had enough coffee to think outside of myself, the only thing I can think of is this....damn. Calum's friend starting puking last night. Calum worked with this little guy in school yesterday. I wonder when the tsunami of vomit will start in the Levy house. Sorry people. Give me another hour and I'll start to worry and reflect for those in Japan...and worry for those in Hawaii and the West Coast. But for now, at 6:02am...I'm pretty much just waiting for the warning siren of the pukes. Maybe it'll miss us.

As I flip through the registry of thoughts that I call my brain...I look next at the piles of clothes on my floor. For those who have been to our house on any day, at any time, perhaps you've been privy to these piles of laundry. There's usually one, or two, or five. But today...these piles are of NEW clothes. We are so very lucky to have generous friends. They've been outfitting my boys and youngest girl since the phone call announcing their upcoming births... These friends call to say, 'we have a bag or two of clothes. how can we get them to you?' and after some coordination, Adam & I are given a wonderful gift....a fun hour or so of sorting through FOUR or FIVE bags of clothes and shoes, jackets, socks, etc etc. It's amazing. We're lucky to have such friends. We're very very lucky.

I need to get these clothes put away before the kids wake up - otherwise it'll turn into a trial-run for clothes shopping. Complete with the girls going into the closet to change and the boys rolling around on the floor out of boredom.

Boring Again!!

Ok - this is a short entry but I have to write all this down...if only to process this day. The morning began with grief and distress. Ella has been waiting WEEKS! to go on a play date somewhere OTHER than home. I realize after the 60 minute bout of wailing that Ella is bored. She's bored with this house. She's bored with her siblings. And damn, I'm pretty confident she's bored with me. Perhaps her recent talks about our 'old, boring' house should have clued me in to the fact that she's ready to move on. Move on to bigger and better things. Move on to having play dates AWAY from home. Move on to enjoying all the things that come with being somewhere else - the different toys, the different food, the different rules, the different cool & exciting mom. I'm hoping she'll realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I'm hoping that she'll return to enjoying her family, return to playing with her toys without the sullen, sulking attitude of recent days. I thought I had years before this attitude, before these talks, before my need to send her off to a far corner of the house so that I can hear myself thing. She's not even five yet. What will 14 look like...it'll be blurry because I'm sure to be drunk. :)

Along with Ella - she's one of four you know - we have Calum who decided early today that he wanted to see how close I could come to insanity. First it was applesauce across the kitchen then it was using his baby sister as a pillow. These are just some added extras to the continuum of life lessons he learns in a day. I love this boy - I just don't understand him sometimes. What I DO understand, is when he comes and tells me he's sorry. He loves me. 'You superhero mommy.' I'll take those as payment for my bill at the ward.

And now, at 4:02pm, we're headed out to the pool. This after an earlier attempt was thwarted by a thunderstorm. And the response to this storm, and my bearing of bad news...'Are you kidding me, Mommy. I'm just going to be BORED AGAIN!'

Welcome Summer...We've been waiting.

Summer. It's here. Almost. Technically we have 5.5 hours until summer 'officially' starts. And by 'official' I mean, school is out. No alarms. No rushed breakfasts...perhaps no breakfasts IN the house. Perhaps many meals in our bathing suits?! No differentiating the days -- is it 'share' day, snack day, singing in the car Tuesday?! Nope - the days will run together like popsicle particles melting on the driveway. Like ice melting in my gin & tonic...which I'm sure to need no later than Wednesday of next week :)

So - our summer plans? Pool in the back yard. We did it up this year. Talked ourselves into an above ground pool that will hold us all! No deeper than the kids standing, but big! Ella & Calum are already excited to swim in the pool AFTER dinner. At night. In the dark. With the fireflies. And my dear husband, who grew up on the water, is endearingly in love with the idea of this pool. He went to the pool store for salt (salt water filter) and came home with a 'disco ball' type gadget that will float, and hang, and spin, and do all sorts of 'disco light' diddies to make our backyard pool into that memory making, drive-our-neighbors-crazy, fun place to be!!

It's actually quite exciting...this idea of summer. Ella and Calum are old enough to really care. Old enough to make some memories. Old enough to know the difference...summer vs. schedule. And I'm old enough NOT to care. I can't wait NOT to care if the kids eat at 9:30am. NOT to care if we have a popsicle at 8am when it's already 85 degrees outside -- hey, it's a fruit serving. I'm excited to watch Calum potty train by sending him into the great outdoors, naked. "Just pee in the grass sweetie...away from people" Oliver and Drew will learn to eat with utensils this summer...because we'll be eating outside, and I WON'T care if they get food from head to toe and all over the floor. I have a hose...

We'll throw our feet up in chairs and let the juice from a watermelon roll down our chins. Watch with curiosity as the drips go from our chins, down our pool-soaked bodies, and drip from our toes. Our skin will be tan. Our laughs will be plenty. Our memories will be great. Adam & I will watch our oldest children learn to swim - learn to dunk their heads - learn to ride a bike w/out training wheels. We'll watch our babies learn to walk. Learn to talk. Learn how to play in this silly family of 6.

Welcome summer - just 5.25 hours to go now! P.S. the Rubbermaid container used as a pool in this picture does not accurately reflect our current aquatic equipment. Pictures to come! :)

And So It Goes

I think the best way to use this blog is just to list each of the crazies of my day. Don't get me wrong, I use 'crazies' in the most endearing, can't-live-without-it, must-have-more, way. And as much as I'd love to sit down and blog every day, I never find the time. Or make the time.

So Calum seems to be learning the differences between girls & boys. No people, it's not an anatomy issue for him, but it does seem to boil down to cooties. He was very upset the other day after learning a 'goa-rl' (girl) rode in his seat in the van. And this is how it was conveyed to me...'Goa-rls no sit in me seat. Me seat dirty, like me. Goa-rls no like. Goa-rls ucky mommy.' Well, ok. Where do I go from there? And this was on top of our earlier conversation that went something like this...'Goa-rls are not cool, mommy. Goa-rls are pretty. Boys are handsome.' Hmm - ok son. It took all I had not to say, but girls are smart and will take your job someday, then you'll marry one and she'll create a living being inside her body while you mow the grass. And then she'll birth this baby while you try NOT to pass out on the floor. And perhaps she'll breastfeed and nurture this baby alive while you wash the car.... But I just finished his diaper, helped him up, and kissed him. What are you going to do, right?

Moving on to Ella - oh dear. What do I say about Ella. There is something new for her almost every day. She is so much fun to be around these days - seriously. Her words, concepts, 'jokes', they crack me up...and are starting to remind me of my youth -- though I can't EVER imagine challenging my parents in her way!

One major theme of late is this idea that clothes make us 'pretty.' 'But mommy, this looks silly. It's not pretty.' Ok - how does a mother help her daughter get the 'bigger picture' when this same mother feels the exact way?! When I'm really on my game & feeling good - ready to meet Ella & all her emotions - I can come up with something of this sort, 'Oh honey. I know exactly how you feel. But I've learned that clothes (& shoes) are just clothes & shoes. They DO give us confidence but they don't make us pretty or ugly. Your laugh makes you pretty. And your kind behaviors.' -- enter vomit! HA! I might actually say that once out of the 1,542,859,427 times she throws the pretty/ugly card into our day. Most of the times I hear echos of my past, 'Shut your mouth. Perhaps it's your piss-poor attitude that's making you ugly. Your clothes are fine.' --- and after having four kids & forgiving my mother (wink) I find this response to be quite valid...a little harsh, but valid. Thankfully, these words have only been said/screamed in my head. And honestly, Ella is probably much like a dog...she hears, 'blah blah blah blah, you're pretty honey, blah blah blah blah blah.' And the circle of life continues.

My babies - phew! Are these two a crazy pair or what. My sweet surprises! They both are crawling everywhere and although Oliver started an easy two months behind Drew, he's very specific and practiced in his movements. They'll both see something and head for it quickly, but usually Drew's brain is moving too fast for her body and she slips onto her belly and falls behind Oliver. He's calculated in his thought. She's just, 'I'll jump first, there's water in there right?!' I could have some trouble with her :) It is quite amazing though. Typically with babies around a year, if you set two of them together they may play next to one another but not actually interact. This is the beauty of twins -- they DO! They interact, they play, they fight, they talk, make each other laugh. It's glorious - and a real honor to watch.
A year later, Adam and I still have moments when we shake our heads...as if trying to shake something loose :) ... take a deep breath and say, 'four. we have four.' Our lives are certainly not exactly what we thought they'd be but seriously, who could ask for anything more.

February 1

Today starts a new month! The first day of the second month...of year five being a mother. Phew. Makes me want to go back to sleep.... :) On the other hand, I'm sorda lonely here in the early morning with just my thoughts. Sometimes the voices in my head are louder than the kids. At least the kids give me some direction. My 'head-echoes' are often frantic and disorganized.

We have a very busy day today. Leaving the house by 8 (hopefully) to make our way down to Loudoun for a kid 'drop-off' & then on to an important appointment for C. We have to check on his ITP. Hope everything goes as planned and I remember all my questions. What should I be asking? How firm should I be? They know very little about ITP - ugh. Makes for difficult decisions.

So - today I will try to live in my brain -- be pragmatic, with a hint of heart. If I lead with my emotions today I'm sure to forget something. So - today is a day of thought. Clear, direct, problem-solving thought. I'll try not to yell. I'll give the kids clear expectations of appropriate behavior at Grammie's (last time they sort of destroyed the house.) I wouldn't accept that behavior at home, why do I find it ok there?? Probably because I can 'check-out' at her house. She gives them rules (or not) and puts on her grammie hat. I get to take those long overdue breaks on the couch and read a quick article in People. Oh how I love reading those quick stories.

I'll close for now. 90 minutes or so before I need all four, plus the dog, loaded in the van and headed down the road. I don't need to do much - grammie is providing breakfast and entertainment - but if the kids wake up during these lovely few minutes of inner thought, I'm sure to be discombobulated. Is that even a word?